rapid cycles is a drug
February 28th, 200602.26.06 SUNDAY 2:43PM
words i hear or read always bring me back to some song from some part of time. i understand that this happens to most people i really do. what i have to deal with is the constant music in my head. it never turns off. i wake up to a song that seems to have no reason for being there. i am in the shower with another song. sometimes, if i am most unfortunate, the same fucking song (not the entire song just a couple lines of one) will play over and over and over again - spinning through my mind running circles around my thoughts. there are those circles again, i need to learn to stop these cycles as i am tired of hearing, writing, saying that word.
if you say the word “judgment” my mind will automatically switch to a new song with lyrics that are:
“my judgment is not clear i do things that i fear i would never do i need something to forget what got me in this mess i’m feeling less and less” (if you looked at those lyrics and knew immediately who wrote them, i love you)
music - lyrics - i hear them when i try to sleep. music has a way of locking in memories, moments that i forgot existed. sometimes when lyrics are unlocked it can cause catastrophic events. lyrics remember. bad things always come in two.
i walked into my bedroom and saw the sunlight hit the same sections of my room as it did last march. i am sure the sunlight has visited these exact items several times before but right now i see something that i haven’t seen in quite some time. i looked out one of the three windows at the blue sky the blinding snow the horrifying house across the street.
a new song began.
let go.
shut your angry eyes everything is going to be okay.
i started feeling that punch in the gut - evil kind of bloodless pain. i walked out of the room back in back out (it’s times like these i subconsciously work on my art of pacing). seconds later the weight has dropped it is to the right of me and that’s okay i am left handed. i sat on the ground in that light and wrote for one and a half hours. memories ran out of that song. unlocked. written down. buried. all of those words - all of those pages filled - all these words brought me back to the first sentence. last march you looked at me the sun was blinding my view but i could see those eyes my head felt light the blood in my veins demonstrated rapid movement i felt everything. all these words written brought me back to the first sentence written:
on that day i saw you there i never felt so drunk.
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