this is the fire of waking life

Monday 05.17.10 4:21pm

May 17th, 2010

Insanity arrives in many colors. RED is my favorite color to express it. Red ink. Crimson.

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Sunday 04.29.07 3:55pm

May 6th, 2010

Sunday 04.29.07 3:55pm
(revisions made on Thursday 05.06.10 10:14pm)

My girlfriend told me that I am way too hard on myself and that I need to stop and think about what I have, what I have accomplished – I’ve heard this all before. I never do. I am aching today as I’ve learned through experience that love never remains the same. Life is ever so fleeting. Nothing lasts for long. I thought Jenne and I would be in love forever. 7 1/2 years we were together. I still remember the moment I fell in love with her. We were friends since September of 1994 but I never thought of her in any other way until this moment: It was February of 1995 and I came down to her dorm room to say hi and I saw her sitting in the hallway reading charlotte bronte out loud while drinking vodka out of a plastic cup. Fell in love. I then ran back up to my dorm room to grab some Anne Sexton poetry that I love and we read our favorite poems to one another, all while she shared her vodka. Today I found a valentines day card that she made me when we were together. I then came across a card that I made for her for that exact same year and it broke my heart all over again. She spoke about how we were in our 6th year and that she is still in love with me. She felt blessed. I felt blessed. I thought, we thought, that this would last forever – even when we’re angels (which is what is inscribed in our wedding rings). If love never lasts than what am I doing signing a lease on a house with Tricia? When I leave I wonder if the next person that lives here on Myrtle Street will feel all the pain that this house has seen. In May it will be 3 years since I’ve moved in here. I truly hope that the person who moves here next will not feel any of it as I’ve heard that residual energy often takes a long time to dissipate, if it ever does. That pain almost killed me. I seem to only think of the negative I have created and rarely pay attention to all the wonderful things I’ve done. Always pounding on myself. Pounding till my fists are bleeding. Pounding. Always pushing away and flying at an absurd speed. Impulsive – I’m so impulsive. My mind is never quiet. Shut it all down, just for a little while and let my head rest, please. I am so tired. Fucking vicious cycle.

While I was at this place on Myrtle Street I had a really bad handful of months. Every single morning I used to wake up and listen to this song by Patty Griffin, “Mother of God”. Every single god damned morning. I was so depressed to the point that vomiting was an every day occasion. Vomiting used to traumatize me to the point that I would cry every time however since it was a daily occasion I got used to it – I cried so hard all the time that it would make me vomit. How many times can I use that word? Yeah so anyways, you should look up the song as the lyrics are wonderful however it just isn’t the same without the music behind it:

Mother Of God – Patty Griffin:

All you kids get out the back door
I’ve never seen her this mad before
She took all her favorite things down from the window
And broke them all over her clean floor

It’s Saturday at the mansion
The oldest boy walks with a slouch
The young ones are wild in back of the house
And she gave up and went back to sleep on the couch

Something as simple as boys and girls
Gets tossed all around and then lost in the world
Something as hard as a prayer on your back
Can wait a long time for an answer

When I was little I’d stare at her picture
And talk to the mother of God
I swear sometimes I’d see her lips move
Like she was trying to say something to me

When I was eighteen I moved to Florida,
Like everyone sick of the cold does,
And I waited on old people waiting to die
I waited on them until I was

Something as simple as boys and girls
Gets tossed all around and then lost in the world
Something as hard as a prayer on your back
Can wait a long time for an answer

So I’m wearing my footsteps into this floor
One day I won’t live here anymore
And someone will wonder who lived here before
And went on their way

I live too many miles from the ocean
And I’m getting older and odd
I get up every morning with a black cup of coffee
And I talk to the mother of God

Something as simple as boys and girls
Gets tossed all around and then lost in the world
Something as hard as a prayer on your back
Can wait a long time for an answer.

Maybe it’s alright.
Maybe we won’t fight anymore.
Maybe love is waiting at the end of every war.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
But maybe, maybe it’s alright.

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the ventral tegmentum and the caudate nucleus

April 12th, 2010

Friday, April 28, 2006

let me start this off by saying that i am not big into this topic but i find helen fisher’s research, well the small amt that i read so far, to be quite interesting. we all know that when you love someone it tends to give you special super powers. well this year helen proved why. i came across this completely by accident. i was looking up articles that psychologist/writer lauren slater (big surprise) has published and one was on helen.
so much for my idea of becoming a total recluse. this stupid love thing has proven to help me get out of bed in the morning (on a work day)…it really has.

Anthropologist Helen Fisher devoted much of her career to studying the biochemical pathways of love in all its manifestations. One of Fisher’s central pursuits in the past decade has been looking at love, quite literally, with the aid of an MRI machine. Fisher and her colleagues Arthur Aron and Lucy Brown recruited subjects who had been “madly in love” for an average of seven months. Once inside the MRI machine, subjects were shown two photographs, one neutral, the other of their loved one.What Fisher saw fascinated her. When each subject looked at his or her loved one, the parts of the brain linked to reward and pleasure, the ventral tegmental area and the caudate nucleus, lit up.

Here is where I get nerdy, sorry…

the ventral tegmentum: or the ventral tegmental area (VTA) is part of the midbrain, lying close to the substantia nigra and the red nucleus. It is rich in dopamine and serotonin neurons. ventral tegmentum is considered to be part of the pleasure system, or reward circuit, one of the major sources of incentive and behavioural motivation. Activities that produce pleasure tend to activate the ventral tegmentum, and psychostimulant drugs (such as cocaine) directly target this area. Hence, it is widely implicated in neurobiological theories of addiction.

The caudate nucleus is a telencephalic nucleus, one of the input nuclei
of the basal ganglia involved with control of voluntary movement in the brain.

okay…now moving on…

What excited Fisher most was not so much finding a location, an address, for love as tracing its specific chemical pathways. Love lights up the caudate nucleus because it is home to a dense spread of receptors for a neurotransmitter called dopamine. In the right proportions, dopamine
creates intense energy, exhilaration, focused attention, and motivation. It is why, when you are in love, you can stay up all night, get 3 hours of sleep but can get up and feel refreshed, ski fast down a slope ordinarily too steep for your skill. it makes you run real risks, which you sometimes survive, and sometimes you don’t.
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02.26.06 SUNDAY 2:43PM

February 28th, 2006

02.26.06 SUNDAY 2:43PM

words i hear or read always bring me back to some song from some part of time. i understand that this happens to most people i really do. what i have to deal with is the constant music in my head. it never turns off. i wake up to a song that seems to have no reason for being there. i am in the shower with another song. sometimes, if i am most unfortunate, the same fucking song (not the entire song just a couple lines of one) will play over and over and over again – spinning through my mind running circles around my thoughts. there are those circles again, i need to learn to stop these cycles as i am tired of hearing, writing, saying that word.
if you say the word “judgment” my mind will automatically switch to a new song with lyrics that are:
“my judgment is not clear i do things that i fear i would never do i need something to forget what got me in this mess i’m feeling less and less” (if you looked at those lyrics and knew immediately who wrote them, i love you)
music – lyrics – i hear them when i try to sleep. music has a way of locking in memories, moments that i forgot existed. sometimes when lyrics are unlocked it can cause catastrophic events. lyrics remember. bad things always come in two.

i walked into my bedroom and saw the sunlight hit the same sections of my room as it did last march. i am sure the sunlight has visited these exact items several times before but right now i see something that i haven’t seen in quite some time. i looked out one of the three windows at the blue sky the blinding snow the horrifying house across the street.
a new song began.
let go.
shut your angry eyes everything is going to be okay.
i started feeling that punch in the gut – evil kind of bloodless pain. i walked out of the room back in back out (it’s times like these i subconsciously work on my art of pacing). seconds later the weight has dropped it is to the right of me and that’s okay i am left handed. i sat on the ground in that light and wrote for one and a half hours. memories ran out of that song. unlocked. written down. buried. all of those words – all of those pages filled – all these words brought me back to the first sentence. last march you looked at me the sun was blinding my view but i could see those eyes my head felt light the blood in my veins demonstrated rapid movement i felt everything. all these words written brought me back to the first sentence written:

on that day i saw you there i never felt so drunk.

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distance

February 28th, 2006

02.13.06 MONDAY 8:52PM

there is a part of me that is vicious. there are walls – egotisical fuck. i take what comes towards me.
i will take it all in.
i push it away.
walls. i’ve never built them so high before.
these pills numb me. i drown myself with words. all the time i need to fucking write. i write in multiple places – 5 different journals, my desk covered in electrical tape (mostly red), random pieces of paper i find on my desk or on the floor or where ever…fucking where ever. we are only mixtures. everything i do – these days and nights – everything brings me right back to you.

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02.22.06 WEDNESDAY 10:12PM

February 28th, 2006

02.22.06 WEDNESDAY 10:12PM

there are no spaces between the cracks in these walls. there is no room for you here. i have filled out my last prescription this will never end. too many people are demanding my time please make them go away. i need to slowly withdrawl from all of this i will walk backwards but will not stop looking up until i am in my fort again.
safe.
in here i am surrounded by all that i ever needed.
safe.
my cheez-its my bass my kamel red lights red and black pens thoughts of january 5th that smoking filter.
this is the center that will continue to ground me.
here i cannot be found.
there are no spaces.

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i’ll take what’s coming to me

February 2nd, 2006

02.01.06 WEDNESDAY 11:17PM

i don’t quite know how to explain this. i am happy right now – truly happy – it has been days – days that i have been feeling like this. i woke up this morning smiling. i got on the train to head into southie. smiling. for the first time in the 17 months i have been in this routine i am distracted. i am reading an incredible novel by my hero, Lauren Slater, yet i could not concentrate. i was distracted. i look up from my book and saw such vivid colors all around me. everything was so bright, radiant light rushing out of everyone. they were shouting so loud i could not stare at the words in front of me. everytime i looked down all i saw was mismatched black ink on faded paper. then i get to the orange line. it is late i know what this means – it will be packed so packed that people will be standing on one another angry people that just want to start swingin’. i don’t want to deal with that, not today. i then said “fuck this shit” and took the green line to the red line. i get to the kick ass building where i work i ran to catch the elevator. i am holding my ipod. the door started to shut and knocked my ipod out of my hand. a friend and co-worker was in the elevator. he is very amused, i am very amused. he said to me, “i had the worst commute ever and you just made my day.” right on, Sean, right on.

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01.28.06 SATURDAY 1:06PM

January 28th, 2006

01.28.06 SATURDAY 1:06PM

almost two years ago you knocked me down hard enough that i broke into several mismatched pieces – like the way a mirror shatters when it falls from 6 feet above ground this was my head. february 4th 2004. i don’t understand this feeling i have never felt this way before what is this i do not understand it. what about all of those letters i just about lost my mind – i lost my mind – words wrapped up in tape thrown into a burning engine. what is this? manage manage i don’t know how to manage these feelings – they are scattered and i am trying to find all of them put them together hopefully someone can make sense out of this. i will collect them and tuck them into this little red box. stay there i will be back for you. i have to leave now i don’t know how to process this. for three months i lived in a manic haze never quite awake but never asleep. i spent the entire year living just above surface.
“how do we get to you? let’s try this interesting cocktail of prescription meds – have you come down yet?”
no.
“okay so let’s try this mix. then this mix. how about these colors do they work for you? do they make you feel grounded again? are you here now?”
i’m sorry i don’t know how to come back.
“look at the shapes and colors of these i think this is the one”.
i am no longer here.
thank you for trying it’s time to stop – i see this – all of this is bleeding out of my skin. i lived in bars and took home almost anyone who came to me. countless relations rushed by only living on the surface. nothing could cut through this layer nothing could get inside i couldn’t get inside. i let people fall in love with me and i never left that surface hurting too many with my damaged head. in the month of may something weighed down on me so hard that i was finally knocked back to the ground.
i am here.
every morning was the same – crying so hard that i would reluctantly vomit. throwing up has always traumatized me – it used to be a rare occasion at this time it has become routine. i could not eat. i was forced to think of reality i couldn’t stop thinking nothing could turn it off. my body started to shake started to shrink it was so small that i thought i could disappear. what would you do if i told you the truth? stop feeding me this medicine being numb is only nice for a short amount of time. why are you climbing all around me i do not want to answer these questions anymore. i do not want this. almost exactly one year later i met someone that did not feed me lines she didn’t need to. that cold night in february out on the deck with you that exact moment is when all of my pain dissipated. it was you that took me away from all that weighed down on me you took me to a place that i haven’t seen in years. you were the one. over the next couple of months you made your way through the layers i had built – broke ground – filled me up with you.

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displacement

January 26th, 2006

01.26.06 THURSDAY 9:12PM

Main Entry: displacement
Pronunciation: di-’splA-sm&nt
Function: noun
3 a : the redirection of an emotion or impulse from its original object (as an idea or person) to another b : the substitution of another form of behavior for what is usual or expected especially when the usual response is nonadaptive

there are times like these when i wonder what is stopping me. jump over the edge find the side that has never been there – the side that is always there but has never been there. when my mind thinks in circles around me it is hard to place it. there is a fire inside me that will not be still. what could be stopping me from something that i feel is long overdue? weeks it has been weeks that i have been feeling this need to find ground. i used to write – handwrite in whatever i could find every single day i would do this but something will not let me now. it is too permanent – too real. it hits me harder when i write. there is always a time to let go. the ground feels softer when you close your eyes. then i see these images – images on my wall – pictures of the reasons i am still here. they bring it all back. then i stare eyes locked on the empty spaces where you used to belong. i never filled in those holes and they stare at me and even though i rarely think about it there are times when it kicks me so hard in the stomach that i lose my breath. writing here is safe i can remove this and never think about it again. ink does not leave me it is everlasting staring at me above the luminous white paper i cannot rip out those parts of my life. here i am allowed. leaving this waking feeling is something that i cannot ignore. you are not permitted to leave.

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01.24.06 TUESDAY 10:02PM

January 24th, 2006

01.24.06 TUESDAY 10:02PM

i don’t want to write anymore. i am so tired. i wish there was a way out of this – this empty feeling. there has to be a source for all of this madness and i really want to find it. maybe i don’t. it is probably better that i do not. so many thoughts of my past have been making an appearance for the first time in quite awhile. rushing all of these thoughts rushing so fast all at once i do not know how to handle this.

my wall. i made a promise to myself that i would never love again. not the way i used to. failed love. love lost. i have learned this well. when i finally think i figured it out the whole plan changes.

12 years ago i found you reading charlotte bronte in the hallway. i read sylvia path to you. we felt an amazing connection that is still there but throughout the years has taken many different forms. you are the person that knows me best – knows the worst and best of me – has seen me go through more than i care to admit. 2004 was the hardest year i have ever had to go through. i fought so hard – sometimes i did not fight instead i just watched the earth swallow me whole. those times when i didn’t want to fight you were there. you picked me up and forced me to fight again – you are one of the the reasons i am still alive. after all of this you are still here.

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technicolor pain

January 24th, 2006

01.24.06 TUESDAY 12:20PM

from 8 feet in the air your head hit the pavement. the impact was so loud that the people around heard your brain rattle against your skull. at the same time 1452.80 miles away my head exploded. dizzy my vision blurred i fell to the ground. minutes after you were released from the hospital there was nothing but a colorful mixture of vomit and blood on the floor beside you. you were on the floor and could not remember how to get up. you were talking but nothing made sense. completely incoherant. your brain was bleeding. they rushed you back to the hospital. a day later i found out what had happened to you. hours later i was on a plane. i felt your pain. i fucking felt your pain – fierce pain – something was stabbing me in an intense repetitive motion for what seemed like hours – piercing screaming sick kind of pain. they didn’t think that you would come out of this as yourself. they told us to expect memory loss, personality changes, difficult learning new things. before i got there you were in bad shape – doctors watching you around the clock – you were supposed to be there for weeks. in the head trauma unit intensive care is where i found you. something happened at that exact moment when i walked in the door something happened that cannot be explained. you sat up with a smile on your face. i sat with you and held your hand. three hours later you were released. the doctors had no explanation for this. your brain was bleeding. you are still jonathan and it was like nothing ever happened to you. you are lucky to be alive. you are my youngest brother and quite possibly the other half of my brain. i love you dearly

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the good times are killing me

January 22nd, 2006

01.20.06 FRIDAY 3:45PM

this week has been months. so tired that i can barely see straight i am weighed down. things are moving in the corner. the clock is stationary. if i were to close my eyes i do not know if they would open again. this happens once a year. always january. all day meetings run into all night drunken times only to wake up 4 hours later to do it all over again. four days straight it’s over now. good people. free beer and food. it’s hard to complain. i cannot wait to close my eyes.

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no beginning

January 22nd, 2006

01.22.06 SUNDAY 8:14PM

photovolatic light circulates me. the image remains still. it is always following me sometimes visiting vulnerable walls. the fucking walls are lead. lead cannot keep me from this. my mind is shitfing running moving stop this. the beginning never repeats. please stop fucking feeling. stop this. i cannot give this to you. i don’t want to. i want to. my mind never wins when it is trying to escape – tyring to run, hide from the thoughts of you in this perfect light. i don’t want to let go but it is something that i cannot control. nights like these i can go where i want to. parts of me try to prevent this usually prevent this but not tonight they cannot fucking do not tonight
they cannot do that tonight.
i will let them run rampant.
everything is going to be okay.

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02.21.05 MONDAY

January 16th, 2006

02.21.05 MONDAY 4:44PM

i would do anything to reverse your fall. it has left my fingers numb. your pain has rushed in – rushing – i cannot catch my breath. over the bridge i feel the knife sticking me – all the weight falls down – everything is technicolor – dizzy – blinding – my fingers are numb. i’ll hold on tight, white knuckled, will never let go again. if i were there i would have killed them for you.

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let’s keep this moving

January 16th, 2006

01.16.06 MONDAY 5:10PM

the steelers won against the indy colts yesterday in the playoffs. indy has only lost one game all season. fuck all those that thought pgh did not have a chance. more so FUCK YOU indy! i was born in pittsburgh and spent my first 12 years there. most of my family is still there. even though i have been in boston for the past 11 years my heart is still very much in pgh. it gets awfully emotional. where does this come from this is NOT me. this is not me. i grew up despising football. i don’t know what it is about that city but i have never seen such love and dedication for a football team as i have from watching the native pittsburgh folk. there is really no explaining this in the proper most accurate way. i never liked football…actually i hated it. but there is something about pgh blood that eventually grabs you with heavy force to catch the love for the steelers. not necessarily football, but the steelers. i grew up watching these games. i grew up with a grandfather that used to wear steelers polo shirts and my uncle and cousins would be decked out in steelers attire for the game. i used to think they were lame as all hell. i never understood this. being from there it becomes contagious. god i know this makes no sense. it really doesn’t. i watch only them and the emotions are so high that is it rather confusing. what the fuck is going on? this is not me. i like it. fuck yeah steelers. fuck yeah. right on.

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this is the fire of waking life

Monday 05.17.10 4:21pm

Sunday 04.29.07 3:55pm

the ventral tegmentum and the caudate nucleus

02.26.06 SUNDAY 2:43PM

distance

02.22.06 WEDNESDAY 10:12PM

i’ll take what’s coming to me

01.28.06 SATURDAY 1:06PM

displacement

01.24.06 TUESDAY 10:02PM

technicolor pain

the good times are killing me

no beginning

02.21.05 MONDAY

let’s keep this moving

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